Dinner with Julie

May

It’s 4:20 on Sunday morning. As is the case as many nights as not, W’s stirring snapped me awake, and my mind slipped quickly into a frenzy of worry. This time, it was triggered by the realization that it’s May. May!

The birds are starting to sing already, out there in the dark. I realize for most, this is a good thing.

Even as a kid, the arrival of spring triggered a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. As soon as it began to warm up enough that you could roll the windows down in the car, I knew summer was coming, and bringing bathing suits with it. And strappy sandals, and shorts and tank tops I could never wear. The anticipation of summer vacation was trumped by the fear that I couldn’t get away with sweaters and oversized jackets for much longer.

(Sorry, no recipe today. Besides that roasted beet salad, I haven’t managed to make dinner once this week. I did make a banana bread yesterday, but you know that one already.)

This winter has been long, and although we did get tired of the snow and brown and went seeking something green and growing (and the beach, above) in Tofino in March, I have also been secretly relieved by it. The arrival of summer has been like another deadline in my mind, a big one that I haven’t been completely on top of, and unlike the others I can’t expect to scramble and catch up on the night before. I have been going to the gym – yes – but it’s not enough to turn this ship around. (Aside: I feel like one of the hippos from Fantasia doing the Maniac! scene from Flashdance.)

There has been stuff, of course – health stuff and family stuff and scary (especially in the middle of the night) stuff, and to be honest I’ve been a bit down, and not spending enough time with friends, and isn’t it about time for a midlife crisis? And through it all the hungry part of me has had ample opportunity to convince the rest that I shouldn’t worry so much about my weight when so many are going through far worse. That I should just get over myself and be happy with what and who I am.

Except that I’m not, really. I’m tired and awkward and uncomfortable. And there’s always stuff, isn’t there? There will always be stuff, and there will always be food, and it’s called life.

A few weeks ago I met someone who knew me only from here and the radio, and when she asked if I was Julie, and I said yes, she gave me the long slow up and down. And said – “So. That’s you, huh?”

It just made me flush, alone in the dark on my laptop, to type that. Even though I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. And I crumbled into this apology for having surely let her down. Yes, this is me. Sorry. I know. I’m working on it.

Gah.

I know some (most?) of you are here for the food. As much as anything, I worry that this place could wind up overrun with rants, diminishing the food and laughs. And it shouldn’t be one or the other, really. I have a solution, I think. I’ll be up front about the food stuff, and if you want to read more about all this, I’ll add it after the jump (below, where it says continue reading. Also, this will act as a bit of a buffer, filtering all this personal stuff only to those who are actually interested. I have been procrastinating putting it out there. No takesies backsies once you hit publish, you know.)

And tomorrow, I’m making dinner.

So yeah, it appears I’ve gone all lumpy.

It’s a bit shocking, actually. But at the same time not, because I’ve always seen myself this way. What I seem to be blind to is the sliding scale of lumpiness. I can’t really tell. I felt saggy after losing those 165 pounds ten years ago, when at 6′ tall I wore a size 8-10 but my skin didn’t quite fit anymore.

Since W was born I’ve hovered around 200 pounds, and have gotten used to the stress and self-consciousness that comes with the times I need to look presentable. Each year of our cooking show they had to hire someone to take on the task of wardrobing me – I was a special project, a concern among the producers, who looked worried at meetings when discussing how to possibly make me presentable on camera. Some shook their heads and grimaced when I paraded in and out of the board room in assorted outfits.

I reluctantly posted this picture (with wonderful friends Cheryl and Aimee) a year and a half ago, thinking I looked enormous. Now – I’d take it.

I’ve always felt big and awkward and difficult to dress. I have broader shoulders than most women’s clothes can accommodate. I have no waist (or rather my middle is bigger than my hips). An unkind friend once pointed out that I have the biggest barrel chest of anyone she knows, an image that has stuck. I have scars and sags from having lost 165 pounds ten years ago. Fortunately (and unfortunately) it’s easy, when you’re a food writer mostly working out of your spare bedroom, to get used to wearing PJ pants for most of your days. It’s also the best thing about being on the radio.

But while I’ve been hovering above where I’d like to be for years, never quite summoning the gumption to do what I need to do to shake the surplus again, this past year, since this photo was taken, I somehow shot up fifty pounds. It’s like I pulled a rip chord on a flotation device. I could blame any number of factors – my age, my career in food, the plantar fasciitis and resulting chronic bum knee that has had me hopping and hobbling since last summer. Again, just stuff. We all have it.

I had my photo taken for a story in Swerve last year – the fantastic Bryce Meyer took this – and while I’m bigger than I had been and wanted to be, it does look like me. I’ll never be skinny, and I don’t really want to be. Now I just want this back.

And so yes, I have been back at the gym. It’s a struggle to find time (I know it is for everyone). I feel guilty when I go, because ultimately it means less time for W, and if not that certainly less sleep (which ironically contributes to weight gain), or lower-quality work handed in to my editors. But then I feel guilty if I don’t go. It’s a guilt trip either way. And guilt is a terrible motivator.

Also, a few times a week at the gym just doesn’t cut it for me. When I lost weight last time I went five days a week, and worked my way up to an our of cardio (often more) each day. Plus weight training every other day. This time I’m doing 30-45 minutes of high intensity cardio, which is great because I’ve been off doing it for so long, but when you do the math, a half hour on the elliptical trainer is, for me, about 400 calories. What’s that, a bagel? Easy to undo over the course of a day.

Which is not to say it’s not worth it, of course, but it does need to come with a consistent and dramatic drop in energy consumption. Therein lies the difficulty, when my days revolve around food. Writing about it, making it, eating it. I can’t, like last time, put my head down and focus all my energies on the task at hand. Lucky me, yes. But some days I want to just not think about food for awhile. It’s almost like being an alcoholic and working in a bar.

So then at the beginning of March, following some medical tests I had to fast (!) for, I decided to give up wheat and gluten, just to see. It’s not that I believed I was celiac, but I know a lot of people have intolerances to wheat, that it could cause some other gastrointestinal issues, and some friends my age were finding they were far less bloated and more clear-headed without it. That sounded like a very good thing to me. As much as anything, I just wanted to wean myself off it, having been subsisting on far too many bread products.

It was interesting. The first two days I could hardly function for the headaches. They went away, but left an emptiness and a hunger I found it hard to satisfy, even with other starches like quinoa, rice, granola and gluten-free pastas. I managed to get through classes without nibbling on warm crumble cakes and biscuits and Raincoast Crisps with cheese and bread, fresh from the oven. It was tough, but doable, and a good reminder that it’s entirely possible. I was proud of myself.

And after almost two weeks, I gained six pounds. I hadn’t done it as an attempt at quick weight loss, but did get my hopes up a bit as people told me how with them, the pounds had just melted off! – effortlessly and seemingly overnight! – when they gave up bread. You’d think the scale would at the very least not go up. Six pounds.

Then we went to Tofino, ate just-baked bagels and crispy cod clubs at the fish & chips shop, and homemade ice cream on waffle cones so fresh that some days we’d have to wait for them to cool down so that they wouldn’t melt the (maple pecan praline / chocolate hazelnut / strawberry) ice cream. We didn’t eat excessively, but I did manage to gain another 6. Ironically, I missed an opportunity to go to Mexico that same week, fearing the combination of me + an all-access all-you-can-eat buffet for a week. Imagine.

So. Since then, going to the gym and eating less, interspersed with food events at which I have to eat (and that’s really the challenge – re-learning to balance the eating, and the enjoying, with the not), I’ve managed to bring myself right back down to where I started. (A couple months ago – not last year.) My appetite is a little less crazed, and I’m getting to know (and be OK with) hunger again. (Some people say they can lose weight without being hungry, but that has never been the case for me. It is, after all, the feeling of your body running out of fuel and burning its reserves. I try to convince myself that it’s a good feeling. But even though it’s generally not, neither is not being able to fit into your clothes.)

And yesterday, I bought a NordicTrack elliptical trainer at a garage sale. Oh yes I did, and it looks oh-so-good planted in the middle of our living room. Every bit helps, right?

So there you go. Thanks for asking. I’ll keep you posted here, and welcome comments from anyone going through the same, or not. It’s different for all of us.

May 02 2011 10:32 am | leftovers

146 Responses to “May”

1. LvdL on 02 May 2011 at 10:44 am #

   Huge hugs. What to say to make it all okay?? There aren’t any words that anyone can tell you to make you truly believe that you are amazing and beautiful whether it is at 150 lbs, 200 lbs, or 300 lbs! I know… I’ve been there. That said, I wanted to at least try my best. I read your blog every day, and you inspire me to be the best cook I can be for myself and my family. If I ever met you in person, I can unequivocably say it would never be an “Oh – that’s you?”; it would be an “OMG – it’s you! I love you!”, followed by a definitive “You are TOO hard on yourself”!!! Give yourself a hug – you need it and deserve it.

2. JulieVR on 02 May 2011 at 10:46 am #

   Aw, thanks. It is OK! It is. You know how it is.

3. Stacey on 02 May 2011 at 10:54 am #

   It takes a lot of courage to post something like this. So many of us feel the same way and just silently suffer while putting ourselves down. We tend to be much meaner to ourselves than we would ever dream of being to someone else. So be nice to yourself. Keep moving forward and working, but remember to be nice to yourself while you’re at it. And I’m with LvdL, you’re one of my favorite bloggers and my reaction to meeting you would involve a huge hug and grin on my part!

4. Kathleen on 02 May 2011 at 10:55 am #

   I have that feeling of not being comfortable in my body anymore. Awkward, not quite right. I need to lose some weight, not just for myself, but for the kids too, who need a mom who can do stuff with them all the time.

   On the other hand, I look in the mirror and I see myself as being pretty, young looking, and happy. The happy is really the important part. One step at a time and I will lose this extra weight, I will.

   You will too. Because you are beautiful, and young and most of the time you are happy too. Embrace that happiness. That’s really the key to living your life.

5. Jaya on 02 May 2011 at 10:55 am #

   Julie, whenever I hear you on CBC radio, I always think about how your voice sounds like wind chimes and you have the best energy for food and life! If I did run in to you on the street, I’d be more worried about offending you with an unsolicited hug than commenting on your physical form. But, it does sucks to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, and I don’t want to offer any competing messages because your voice is yours and you know your experiences best. I so agree with the poster above that you are intensely respected and admired by so many in this community (in Calgary and online)! I love your writing, recipes and honesty and hope you always feel like you can decorate this space with whatever is true, and not just just whatever is pleasant! I’m always looking for walking buddies, so if you ever want to meet up for a nice, brisk walk, hike or impromptu dance party, I’m here! Jaya

6. Ye Olde Newlywed Newbie Soup Maker on 02 May 2011 at 10:57 am #

   I think you’re wonderful (I don’t know how you do it all, but I’m sure you’ve heard that before!), AND beautiful (I’ve seen you in person at a class), but my opinion isn’t important. I agree you’re much too hard on yourself! And whoever did that is a complete jerk. I mean, honestly. (BTW, I’m about the same weight as you. I struggle with the same issues. I had twins last year, and lost all the weight, but have not gone down a SINGLE pound below what I was pre-pregnancy… what gives, body?!).

7. Nancy on 02 May 2011 at 10:59 am #

   I think you can put that person and their reaction right alongside the unkind friend. Wow. Other than that, I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer, other than:

   1. you’re not alone; and
   2. one day (and some days, one mouthful) at a time.

   Thanks for your bravery and honesty, in addition to the constant inspiration your ideas and writing provide.

8. Haruko on 02 May 2011 at 10:59 am #

   Julie, you definitely are too hard on yourself. We all have our vices….mine currently is being more patient with the kids who I adore to pieces and are the most important thing to me (along with my hubby). Its hard to give, give, give to others and and remember to give to ourselves (and not feel guilty about it). You are a kinder, smarter and more attractive person than you give yourself credit for. Your website definitely give me inspiration and I check it almost every day. Thank you for your generosity and sharing with me. You have a gift.

9. CathyD on 02 May 2011 at 11:02 am #

   As always you amaze me with your ability to write from the heart. Gah, it’s all so hard. Since I had the baby I have been avoiding the mirror. Lots. Sometimes it gets me down. Lots.

   Whoever gave you that up and down is forever on my SHIT list. Idiot.

   You are wonderful, warm person who is beautiful inside and out. You’ll get that weight off, you are determined to do so.

   xxx

10. nancyo on 02 May 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Julie, I follow you on twitter and am always impressed with your upbeat, encouraging and interesting content of your tweets. Bravo for sharing your struggle; it is, I am certain, shared by many, many people in the food arena. I have just a small potatoes food blog but it has caused me to question my relation to food and the wisdom of blogging at all. I’ve been following (on and off) a diet that eliminates all grains and increases vegetables and proteins and it helps with weight and lumps but makes it harder to maintain a “normal” blog. Good luck with your journey, and know that you are inspiring people whether they tell you or not!

11. Monica I. on 02 May 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Uh, yeah, I can’t say I’ve had a great winter either – up plenty of lbs! You bleeping scale! Down in the dumps you say? Medical tests? How about Thyroid?

    I think you look MARVELOUS. LvdL is right! Do not be so hard on yourself. Yup, it’s called winter weight. And you do have a crazy schedule. Now to find something that works for you AND W. We could rig up your computer on a treadmill – ooo better yet – powered by the treadmill! No walk, no computer. Or how about a bike with a trailer-bike (http://amzn.to/jyKztw) for W? Rollerblading? With my funky knee, I wear a brace, but I do enjoy it, (except when I crash-wear protective gear). In Calgary, I love the route around Edworthy Park – relatively flat (except the south side of the river) and goes for ages. Haven’t found an Edmonton equivalent yet. I hear there are paths, but haven’t gotten out (last year the weather was just plain miserable).

    Or we could set up a buddy system based on competition… I’ll do it if you do, and keep notes with perhaps some kind of reward at landmarks or dates… food (of course) comes to mind first.

12. Barbara B on 02 May 2011 at 11:06 am #

    Honey you are WAY too hard on yourself! You give the world a wonderful gift by sharing your life, recipes and insight. The world is a better place for your being in it and that is a goal everyone should strive for. I feel your pain though as I too have struggled with health issues and have put on lots of weight. It can be hard to look in the mirror but I am practicing learning to let that go. Look around you…more women look like you and I than like the women in the magazines. You are beautiful just the way you are! REALLY!! Besides, being healthy and happy is MUCH more important than being thin. BTW, I am always suspicious of thin cooks…if your own cooking doesn’t inspire you to overindulge, how can it be any good? Don’t look on it as extra weight – consider it ADVERTISING!

13. Merry120 on 02 May 2011 at 11:07 am #

    Sending hugs & best wishes your way! We all have the best of intentions and then life gets in the way. I am in the midst of a very stressful time & I can see it in the scale. I am trying to remind myself that it will pass when things get better but it is so easy to say that & then “OMG….LOOK!” when you step on the scale again. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’ve all been there & we understand. I have had the pleasure of meeting you & I think you’re wonderful no matter your size!

14. kellypea on 02 May 2011 at 11:09 am #

    Nicely done. Very. I’m pretty shocked that anyone would actually say something to you like that with the “up and down” scan. Wow. I’ve gotten to the point where when my photo is taken, I think, really? That’s me? And it’s not like it’s sneaked up on me or anything, but for someone who’s never really been vain, or even enjoyed drawing attention to her body (even when it was great) I’m humbled and wonder if I could describe the experience of it as well as you have. So the very best to you and your work. You’re a lovely woman. (I’m a twitter follower and have been for a long time…)

15. Michelle T on 02 May 2011 at 11:18 am #

    Thanks for writing so honestly – I think everyone has self-doubt about so many issues, and they always try and hide it. I know I put on a public smile but it’s not what I feel inside.

    Weight is always an issue, but it’s you who determines what your proper weight should be. Smiles and ice cream are more important than looking as a stranger things we should. Though, there is also a point where health issues become important too. Anyway, you should be proud that you’re comfortable enough to share this with the world – and know that most of the world isn’t judging but is nodding their heads in agreement.

16. Jacquie on 02 May 2011 at 11:21 am #

    I had to take a moment to wipe the tears before writing this. Julie, over the course of nearly two years, you’ve inspired me to cook better for myself and my kids, to be more aware of the food we eat and where it comes from, and to enjoy food. I’ve also struggled with weight my whole life, and as my 10 year old son says “We’re just big people!” While I preach self-acceptance, the reality is I’d like to fly on a plane, and not feel squished or climb 3 flights of stairs without gasping for breath. Good luck to you, wherever this journey takes you and know that many, many people see the real you. Thanks so much!

17. Monica I. on 02 May 2011 at 11:23 am #

    Nicely said Barbara B! Skinny cooks can’t be trusted.

    Oh, and Julie – go find a good tailor/seamstress. I gave up finding clothes that fit off the rack – they aren’t made for REAL people!

18. Bonnie on 02 May 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Oh, I struggle with this so much! On one hand, I don’t like focussing on weight because I don’t believe we should think there is anything “wrong” with us just because we don’t fit a magazine’s description of healthy women. However, at the end of the day, I feel like shit most of the time. Heck, at the beginning of the day too, when I’m trying to figure out what to wear. The fact is, my pants are all too tight, and if my spring/summer wardrobe doesn’t fir me this year, I can’t afford to buy a new one!
    Last spring I did the candida diet with a friend for 7 weeks. The first three days I felt, seriously, suicidal almost, as my body went crazy with sugar withdrawals. But by the end of the 7 weeks, I felt better, never went to bed with that sick feeling in my guts, and dropped 14 pounds. I ate a hell of a lot of popcorn!! Oil-popped too haha! I know if I can cut the sugar/white flour/most dairy stuff again it would make a big difference but I’m afraid of those first days of withdrawal. I’ve never felt anything like it. Plus, no alcohol??? I have three kids!!
    Anyway, I’m rambling, but just wanted to comment that I’m reading, listening, and empathizing. You are not alone!
    Bonnie

19. Kevin on 02 May 2011 at 11:31 am #

    Julie, thanks for sharing. I’ve never met you but love hearing you on the radio and following your tweets, etc. It’s nice to hear about you as a person, so glad you decided to share. Wish you the best of luck in managing this issue in your life. If your success in the food world is any indication, you have the ability and comittment within you to make it happen.

20. Michelle on 02 May 2011 at 11:32 am #

    goose bumps. a tear. god bless you. We all fight our own battles, some are more public than others. You are fighting the good fight, taking control, taking life back. You will thank yourself. Your family will thank you. You can do it. We believe in you. You are a beautiful person.

21. Jennifer Jo on 02 May 2011 at 11:37 am #

    Julie, You have good perspective and a good sense of humor. Plus, you’re a kick-butt writer.

    One thing I’ve learned: whenever a person is breaking an addiction (internet use, sweets, smoking, shopping, etc) there is a hole. Sometimes it helps to identify the hole and then work proactively to fill it with something else.

    Another thought: have you tried therapy or an accountability person? Sometimes those can be really helpful (though I’ve found that I get the greatest insight from the people closest to me).

    xoxo

22. Tracy on 02 May 2011 at 11:38 am #

    Wow, I’ve never read my own thoughts so eloquently and honestly put to pen & paper….by someone else. You could be me, our thinking is so identical. Every year I dread the summer & all the revealing clothes and revealing clothes occasions. I vow every year it will be different, and some years I achieve that. Others, like this year, I find myself back in the same old place where fears and insecurities run wild and where I can’t bear to look in the mirror at times. I am inspired by you to pull myself up out of it & find a better way to cope this year and I wish the very same for you Julie. Thank you for a wonderful & heartfelt post!

23. Rachael on 02 May 2011 at 11:38 am #

    Thanks for the post! I am grateful for your honesty. I too am facing some of the same realizations about my own weight. I have that uncomfortable feeling as well. I also have a goal and a time line in which to meet it. I totally understand the working as a writer thing – I often find myself still in PJ’s after 5pm busily meeting deadlines. It’s a tough gig, but we make beautiful art with words and food. For me, I’ve been thinking of putting creative energy into my body, not just my brain. Although I don’t work with food necessarily, I do love it and use it as comfort. I have food intolerances that I have been ignoring and I need to put my body first, before my mouth(taste) or feelings and try to employ a different kind of nourishment – one that keeps me full of energy and not feeling sick.

    Hats off to you Julie, your brave honesty is a kind we all ought to aspire to. Thanks again!

24. Aimee @ Simple Bites on 02 May 2011 at 11:42 am #

    What to say? I’m struggling with similar issues. A mid-life crisis sounds about right. =) OK, half kidding, but the pounds sure have crept up on me ever since I turned 30.

    Thanks for being so brave and beautiful. And keep us updated, OK?

25. Kristine on 02 May 2011 at 11:55 am #

    Seriously Julie – you are too hard on yourself. I am also a “barrel chested” and “broad shouldered” gal myself. Husband and I decided enough was enough and we’re both committing to a new lifestyle and exercise regime (we’re both on Weight Watchers). I’ve never ever ever been “thin”. Ever. I’m looking forward to it, but it’s going to be a long haul. I think the one thing that’s sticking this time around (because God knows I’ve done it too many times to count) is that I’m actually BELIEVING that I can and will do it.

    Julie: you can and will do this. I hear you so often on CBC Radio and love following your blog. You are an amazing person and wonderful cook. Don’t let anyone (especially yourself!) tell you any different.

26. Lindsey on 02 May 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    Your blog is wonderful and you are extremely talented. BMI of 22 or 32, I think you are fantastic!

27. Anon on 02 May 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    Julie, I hear you. I feel you. But you are beautiful. I’m sure the other comments have already stated that, but I just wanted to say it myself.

    You’re an inspiration because you are human, like the rest of us, like me. And you continue to inspire me.

28. MK on 02 May 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    Thank you for sharing what must have been so hard to share. You need to know what you do, every day, has an amazing, positive outcome to all who follow you. Because of you, I eat at amazing restaurants (Charcut comes to mind); I feed my family better (bought a share at Eagle Creek Farms); I bake every weekend, even though I hate baking (so I can send healthy snacks to school); my husband is building me a potato condo; and so, so much more. I saw you once, too. In the le Creuset store (exactly where one should bump into you!), and you looked exactly how I imagined you would look: happy, glowing, beautiful. Take care of yourself and keep up the good work. (And PS – I would kill to be 6 foot tall!)

29. Crystal on 02 May 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    Hey Julie,

    We are all with you. I myself have battled the waistline and being a larger framed gal. Last year I bit the bullet and joined the Dr. B ranks – managed to get down to a size 8 and the numbers kept saying I needed to lose more but I stalled – so I decided to end and work at maintenance. I was concerned about falling back and in fact have regained 10lbs and a size 10 which in my previous life I would have been thrilled with – but that little voice in the head always in the back of your mine criticizing you… hard to turn that off.

    Myself right now – my tactic includes using an app that tracks my caloric intake – really I find that check helps me think twice about what I put in my mouth and yup – making time for me to get out and excerise at least 5 times a week is important. Hitting the all inclusive last month was NO help

    I cashed in on a groupon for FitMetabolim and hope the information I get will be tailored for MY body based on numbers that work for me – there is no normal BMI and in the end at my smallest I was still on the tail high end of the Normal number… I hate numbers but cling to them for some reason.

    Well – best of luck and know that your personal battle is one we all have and your size doesn’t make you any less special than we all know you are.

30. Meghan on 02 May 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    Part of what makes your posts interesting, is the that you are so candid and real about ‘goings on’. When on TV you present with vivacity and joy and it is a pleasure to watch and learn from you. I truly appreciate your honesty on a subject that I too struggle with and will be thinking of you!

31. HL on 02 May 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    I have a friend who listens to you on CBC not for the food ‘nonsense’ but because he thinks you have the sexiest voice. I’m not going to lie, I’m envious.
    You’re beautiful.

32. Lana on 02 May 2011 at 12:15 pm #

    Will send you a private email soon..or maybe a phone call.
    You are WORTH IT.
    I love you, lumps and all.

33. Stacey on 02 May 2011 at 12:34 pm #

    Sending a big hug your way! I read your blog everyday, sometimes more than once. I think that you are an inspiring woman, not only because you are a talented and creative in the kitchen, but because you are real…I imagine that the energy and “trueness” that eminates from your words on my screen is a billion-fold in person. I love that you are so candid and honest, you say things that most are barely brave enough to think….I started making a life-change this year. I hit the gym, with a plan to lose all my baby-weight…It’s funny, because my son will be 11 years old this year! I’m finally getting around to it. I often find myself getting angry at the women who decided it wasn’t fun anymore to stay home all day, and tend the children and the home…they had good intentions, but I find now, most women have a full time job, they have to tend the home, the children, the pets, the husband and then the career…where does the woman herself fit in? it’s not about making excuses…it’s about that near-impossible feat of achieving balance….don’t let one person’s ignorance get in your way…You are amazing, beautiful and gosh darn it, people like you!

34. Lib on 02 May 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    Thanks for sharing your waist/hip ratio!! I thought I was the only one with a body like that. Now I know someone else who’s working on it – like I am. Good luck and hang in there!

35. Katharine on 02 May 2011 at 12:43 pm #

    Hi Julie…… This entry made my heart ache. Because I feel the same as you and I want to thank you for opening up to all of your friends, fans, and family. This must have been very hard for you to do. Not only are you NOT alone, but I am NOT alone either. I will always and forever see a 300 pound girl in the mirror and in my mind. It’s taken much more work to change my way of thinking than it has been to change my physical appearance. I want you to know that I love you. That you are beautiful inside and out!! I am very lucky to know you and to call you my friend! Most people would agree!

36. Donna on 02 May 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    Julie – What we love is not tied up in size. Your “youness” is not a number on a scale but the sparkling wit and wisdom we learn here. More later…

37. mallory on 02 May 2011 at 12:47 pm #

    Julie, as hard as I imagine this was to write and put out there, it was incredibly refreshing to read. I’ve been struggling, for years, with the same issues. being a food blogger and general food lover makes it much harder to simply focus on exercise and eating properly. I’m coming to the realization that it’s a slow road. and while generally I know and tell myself I’m not alone, your post that echoed my own thoughts and emotions at times reminded me of that. thank you!

    x

38. Cheryl on 02 May 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    It probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but I look at that picture of us and wish I was there again too. The weight crept up on me this winter too. I’m trying, but after 2 months of subsisting on Mini Eggs and Beer things don’t look good.

    I give you a lot of credit for getting me to see eating a bit differently. You mentioned that it’s okay to feel hungry. I think you wrote that somewhere else a while ago and it stuck with me. So I always pause and check the situation every time I feel hungry.

    If you need a walk and a chat then let’s do it and try to solve all the problems of the world in the fresh air.

39. Sam on 02 May 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    I think reading the comments that everyone feels the same way, to a larger or lesser degree. It’s all part of the ups and downs of life (speficially the weight ups and downs – I’m in the same boat too!) I will pass on my only bit of wisdom for bathing suit season. Board shorts and swim Ts. And men’s board shorts work as well as women’s and are usually funkier. And you can tell people you’re concerned about sun exposure. And you can hide all manner of stretch marks and dimpled thighs. Although I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to see my dimpled thighs – surely it implies at least a smile, if not someone who enjoys life A LOT. Finally Julie, you’re such an inspiration to me. If you could ask my friends I’m sure they’d roll their eyes and confirm my obsession. Or their eyes would pop out because they’re meeting THE Julie Van Rosendaal. I know mine did when we met

40. Anne on 02 May 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    I think you are awesome. You have great energy. Thank you for sharing how you have been feeling, you touch more lives than you know. Don’t let a number or picture get you down. As you can see, there are a number of people out there who love you and think you are wonderful. I have just started my weight loss journey (again and hopefully for good) and I am taking it one day at a time and PVR my favourite shows and pledge to only watch them while on my treadmill…..

41. Amanda on 02 May 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    I think what you’re doing is awesome, and you should be proud of the success you have. I can’t remember who (I think it was Kate Moss) who said that nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels, which is complete and utter bullshit, because food is damn delicious!

    I’m trying to loose a bit of weight as well, and last year I did a “cleanse” for about 3 weeks, I cut out all forms of sugar, gluten, dairy, alcohol and caffeine (except green tea). The first couple of days I was a horrible moody mess, but then it got better, and I felt alot better, smoother skin, sleeping better, less moody. I did loose about 5lbs, but I gained it back right afer I switched back to my normal diet. The thing with elimination diets is that they’re super hard to keep up. I think that a slow and steady switch to healthier foods is much better. Keep up the good work!

42. Susan on 02 May 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    Wow! You are very strong and courageous woman and I admire your honesty so much. I can only imagine how difficult it was to push the “publish” button.
    (((HUGS))) to you! You are beautiful but it is important that you feel beautiful, too. You are doing a great job! Oh, and I didn’t lose a thing either when I went off of wheat, just like I didn’t lose weight when I breastfed my babies either. We are beautiful and we are valued! Yes, we are!

43. Heather on 02 May 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    Julie, I wished that you felt as good about yourself, as you make other people feel when they are with you. You are funny, charming, smart and compassionate, and anybody who has spent any length of time with you knows this. I think you need to schedule some time with friends to get out of your own head. You are beautiful . xo

44. Shauna on 02 May 2011 at 1:13 pm #

    Wow! Look at all the supportive comments you’re getting. We’re your readers, and we’ve all grown to care about you and your family, not just the recipes you post.

    It’s awful to see you hurting and to know of the struggles you’ve faced your whole life. You come across as a very strong woman, so remember this when you’re tackling the obstacles in front of you each day.

    Please know that my first reaction to every photo of yourself that you post is that you are such a beautiful woman. You have an inner vibrancy that just makes me smile, and I’m sure does the same for others.

    I’m looking forward to your updates!

45. Holly on 02 May 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Dear Julie

    What a heartfelt post! It brought tears to my eyes because I’ve been struggling with my own things recently. I just wanted to share that we’re all in the same place of struggling to overcome whatever is hardest for us. Even if we don’t all show it, we ALL have those things and it’s ALWAYS hard to take them on. I really admire your willingness to show your vulnerability so publicly.

    Love and Hugs to you. You are SO lovely and courageous. May you find these qualities in yourself, as much as those who admire you do!

46. Nishta on 02 May 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    Thank you for being so brave, Julie. it’s very inspiring. xo

47. suchalab on 02 May 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    Julie,
    you have managed to put into words what so many of the rest of us feel at one time or another in our lives, thank you for that. See you are NOT alone!. Your honesty is refreshing and so much appreciated. Quite honestly I don’t know how you do all that you do. One day I hear you on the CBC on the eyeopener chatting, giggling, extolling on what did or didn’t happen with this weeks recipe/challenge. It sounds like so much fun. Then I hear you on the CBC the next morning filling in doing traffic. Then your blog says you are away in Toronto at the St Lawrence Market, then you are back here doing a class and then I hear you doing the afternoon traffic. You are one busy lady. I am exhausted just reading about all you do! What an accomplishment. We, as women, are way too hard on ourselves. I read somewhere that we should just accept a compliment for what it is. And after a while, if you really listen to what those compliments say, you will believe them too. No discounting them or giving excuses as to why they are not really true. Just say thank you and believe.
    I have had the pleasure of seeing you in person at a class, you were great. You answered countless questions from the crowd, entertained, taught and provided great recipes, it was a pleasure to be part of the class and meet you. I really enjoy your blog, about food, new recipes and your rants and look forward to receiving the next one to see what is up in your life. In fact I am disappointed when some times there isn’t a new blog for several days(please no pressure to write more frequently-I can wait). I don’t have the nerve or ability to share myself with the world as you do but I can live vicariously through what you say(for me in many instances). I have learned new techniques, tried now foods and recipes like your Matzo Crack, no-nead bread and your cream drop scones are so ‘to die for’. I was up at 2:30 am Friday making them to have fresh while I watched The Wedding. Keep up the good work, rant all that you want. We, your adoring public are here for you.

48. Sharon on 02 May 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    Get rid of the blog.

    And best wishes, sincerely.

49. Lindsay on 02 May 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    What a truly beautiful and honest post, Julie. Thank you so much sharing. You are an amazing person. I look forward to reading about your journey and promise to send you lots of love and support through cyber space. If there’s anything you need from your readers, please let us know. As you brighten our days through your blog and on the radio, we’re here for you too! All the best! Lindsay

50. Sarah Jo on 02 May 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    As I finish up my last week of grad school I’ve been having the same feelings. Since I started I’ve gained about 30 pounds, putting me near 200. And I’ve always felt bigger and uncomfortable.

    I have to stand up in front of my class, my school, all of our family and friends, and others because I’ve been elected to speak for my class at our graduation ceremony. And while I should be honored, all I can think about is how fat I look.

    So thanks for your post. It’s nice to hear someone else feels the same way.

51. Maureen on 02 May 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    I love your blog but often come away wondering how you do it all. Maybe you need to cut back and make more time for yourself. You seem to be one of those people that loves to have several balls in the air at one time-that is great but in the end your health pays the price.

    Slow down and make more time for you!

52. CathyH on 02 May 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    Wow, there seems to be alot of us in this boat!!! Julie, you are an inspiration and reading all the previous comment confirms that. To write such an honest, heartfelt, personal story takes a lot of courage and character.I am also 6″ tall and we can hide a lot of weight on our long frames. I was weighed at the Dr. last month and sat there crying like a baby, so I can truly relate to what you are feeling. It takes a long time to put on the weight, so we must be patient and know that it will take a long time to lose it. Admitting that we must change is the first step. Hugs and God bless you.

53. debbie on 02 May 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    i’ll post here what i posted on FB:

    absolutely my favorite post from you ever! this sounds so much like my life – and i’m guessing a gazillion others. thanks for your honesty – i’ll wish you luck if you do the same for me? good luck and p.s. – you are lovely regardless of your weight

54. Cheryl F on 02 May 2011 at 2:05 pm #

    Just want to send out good wishes to you. This is a struggle for myself, as well.

55. Jacqueline on 02 May 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    What a brave post! I can so relate to how you feel. It has taken me years to lose 80lbs and I still have about 30 to go. This winter I have been stuck, losing and gain those same three pounds over and over again. I find it inspirational that you are open enough to share this bumpy road with all of us. I love reading your blog and perhaps knowing that we are out here routing for you and struggling with you will make the journey a little easier. You can do it!!! Believe!

56. Erica B. on 02 May 2011 at 2:11 pm #

    ((hugs)) I hear you sister!

    No elliptical in the living room but just ordered one of these http://www.mec.ca/Products/product_detail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442631102&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302882220&bmUID=1259939420397 so I can literally get back in the saddle after waaay to many years without a regular exercise routine (and maybe not completely embarrass myself when I go for a ride with the kids *blush*

57. Francie on 02 May 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    Thank you for posting this. I love reading your blog and other food blogs and I always wonder how people can make so many delicious things and not have some weight issues. I struggle with my weight a lot. It seems like I gain and lose the same 10lbs over and over, only I really need them to get lost for good and take another 60 or so with them. Just know that you aren’t alone in this struggle. And you are totally right, there is always something in the way, and it’s just the way life is. You just have to come up with a plan and be willing to roll with things as best you can. Good luck. I’ll be sending healthy vibes your way.

58. miss v on 02 May 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    when we are all sitting around a table i don’t see your waist size… probably because i am worried about my own

    instead, i see a successful, hip girl about town… great at what she does… with an amazing sense of humour and a good heart!

    it has been my experience… that those who offer up rude and insensitive remarks likely feel 10 times more down on themselves than you do… ignore the haters… you’re not the first one she’s done it to and you won’t be the last!!

59. Vincci on 02 May 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    Julie – I’m so honoured to have met you and consider you a friend. You’re one of the reasons I now listen to CBC Radio and I’ve always admired everything to do – your life always sounds so busy that I’m sure it’s even crazier with everything that goes on behind the scenes!

    I don’t have much more to offer than what everyone has already said, but I know this is a long journey that you’ve been through before, so just take it one step, one bite, one day at a time. And this time, all of us are right here beside you!

60. Ellen on 02 May 2011 at 3:31 pm #

    Julie, this is a lovely post. I just want you to know that your weight is not a sign of personal failure, it is not your fault, and it shouldn’t fill you with guilt. The moral discourse about weight, particularly women’s weight, is something that fills me with anger.

    If you’re looking for some guidance, I highly recommend the book “The 4 Hour Body.” He details little tricks you can do to help you lose more weight than most “calorie counting” types think is even possible!

61. Nurse Jenn on 02 May 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    I think that weight is a struggle for everyone and anyone. I think the focus should be on balance (whether that be inclusive of family, friends, eating healthy, having treats and working). Looking at solutions that include everything in your life is rewarding and doesn’t make achieving them hard. I have a friend that gave up going to the gym because it left little time for her family. She replaced that with doing physical activities with her family and that was the balance that she needed.

    If I were to meet you, I would surely say something like: “Its YOU!!! I love your blog because it is real and we could all use a bit of real reality in our lives. Kudos to you for having the courage to say “this is me” because I’m not sure if we all could do that and reveal whatever it is about ourselves that we are not happy with.

    I wish you the best in your adventure and think highly of you.

    Cheers!

62. Christine on 02 May 2011 at 3:59 pm #

    Julie,
    I am trying to type this through the tears. I have hated my big body for like, ever. My husband always tells me he loves my body and I say ‘at least one of us does!”. I have had my share of bad moments including being in a hot tub in Whistler and someone thought I couldn’t hear them and said “look at that whale” and all his friends laughed when he pointed at me, or the saleswoman who told me the problem was I liked pretty clothes but none of them would ever fit me. GAHHHH. Its so hard to not internalize all the bad vibes. I know that I have learned to eat when I feel sad or tired or scared and that only some serious work will help me figure out another way to cope. In the meantime, I will think of your loveliness when I want to be mean to myself and will instead say “would you say that to Julie?” That would be a NO. So you be gentle to yourself too, ya hear? You make a difference in my world.

63. Jennie on 02 May 2011 at 4:29 pm #

    Julie,

    I have to tell you that we LOVE you over here in Montreal. I am a student at McGill and have read you religiously since I tried to find something Canadian to relate to after moving here from the states! When we are in the kitchen wondering what to make, my friends and I will always say Julie will have the answer! Thank you for your bravery with the post. I, like you, have always feared bathing suit season and at 21 didn’t really realize how much carrying an extra 30 lbs on my 5’2 body was not only a physical burden but an emotional one as well. It wasn’t until sitting in Italy drinking wine out of juice boxes with my boyfriend that I asked him the question directly. Do you think I am overweight? And he said, I think you are perfect but carrying a little more wait than the extra 20 year old. He was so gentle but so worried, everything I had hid behind, my personality, my love of food, melted away and I felt naked and exposed like all of those summer fears you mentioned.

    I joined weight watchers on September 22nd with my best friend. I think it was the latter that has helped me to the place where I am now, where I can write this post on your blog. All I can say is that after seven months of thinking through every food choice I make, writing down my points, struggling with the 60 year olds at my local Zumba class, I feel like I love food just as much as ever, but I am finally free from it. I used to feel so guilty and stressed when I would eat out or know that I was overeating but I still did it because, hell I loved it! I used to think, this is so unfair, I am twenty, I should be eating pizza and beer and still looking fabulous in a bikini.

    But, like you, I have learned that this struggle may always be a part of who I am but it doesn’t have to define me. I know I feel better lighter because I am healthier, stronger and finally able to MOVE. THat is what motivates me. Bikini season now seems like a nice perk but the important thing all along was feeling ok with me. Loving food, having treats but giving myself the power to take care of myself and set myself free.

    So, all I can say is that I am cheering you on. Your hoensty, your bravery and your recipes have got me through my own struggles and I know you can do it. Just remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Tell people you are having a dinner party where fruit will be served on skewers. Get a walking buddy! Own it, you are so wonderful already but I hope this journey will make you feel as wonderful as you are!

    XOXO
    Jennie

64. clea on 02 May 2011 at 4:44 pm #

    inspiring, brilliant and beautiful. that’s how I see you. past, present and future. thanks for the post.

65. PatW on 02 May 2011 at 4:51 pm #

    Julie – Just want to add my voice to the ones above by saying you ALWAYS brighten my day, whether here on-line or on the CBC. Without exception, I feel happier, and more excited about getting into my kitchen every time I read/hear you. Be kind to yourself, and remember there’s loads of us out here who think you are fabulous. I’m afraid I’m another one who’s first response to meeting you on the street would be an unsolicited hug.

66. Carol on 02 May 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    We’ve never met – but I had thrills when I read your review of Jelly (one block from my apartment!) and I promptly scooted down to give it a try for myself. I love your blog!

    I know this stage is hard, but making the decision to make a change is not the first step – to get to this point you’ve already made steps in the right direction. As I’m sure you know, since you have been successful in the past and have the right tools and knowledge to lose weight – baby steps! You have a fantastic arsenal of healthy recipes and a great approach to food and life. I love reading your blog because you are kind and generous – and honest, keepin’ it real. I have noticed that you do usually have 6,7, 2934829347 projects on the go at once (teaching, writing, radio, travel, family, etc. etc.) – perhaps making the executive decision to make you-time (for family, for sleep, for stress reduction – maybe less work?) could help to tip the balance? Be as generous to yourself as you are to others

67. Laurie on 02 May 2011 at 5:06 pm #

    Don’t let people get you down! You are an amazingly interesting person. You are an inspiration to me in my weightloss journey. Please keep posting so I know that I’m not the only one limping around craving baked goods.

68. Karen on 02 May 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    Hi Julie,
    Well, girl, so many of us want to tell you how absolutely awesome you are. I am among those who, if I were ever to see you in the grocery store or anywhere really, I would totally embarrass both of us because I like, know you. (Ask John Montgomery, the GOLD medallist. I totally accosted him at Coop!)

    So here’s what you should know.
    Because of you, the phrase ‘Julie recipe’ needs no further explanation in our house.
    Because of you I eat a LOT of kale!
    Because of you I considered making my own butter (not quite there yet but I love that I know I can!)
    Because of you I tried new donuts last week.OMG.
    Because of you my family eats better. I can make dinner out of ‘thin air’ which is way better than junky fast food!

    But what’s most important is that because of you I’ve laughed, I’ve tried new things, I see the possiblity that one person can be really good at more than one thing.
    You inspire me to love the city and to look for new experiences in our own backyard.
    Julie, if I could inspire just one person the way you inspire me, well jeez, I’d pour myself another glass of merlot.

    Your comments hit home for me too, like so many others here. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found one of my old journals with the hopeful beginning-of-the-year/season/vacation planning entry “this year I’ll lose 10/20/30 pounds’ in it, I’ll scream. Yeah we all know how to do it – eat less, move more – but the kids, computer, job, pantry, tv, dogs get in the way. And I work from home too, in my strechy pants and a sweatshirt, not writing about food, but always being beckoned by it from the kitchen. So I totally know how you feel – and therefore YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

    Join our little club here, and love yourself. And thank you for being so honest and trusting us with your writing. You’re only awesome.

69. Lauren on 02 May 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    Oh sweetie, lots and lots and lots of hugs to you. I’m honoured to call you my friend, and that will never change. Hearing you on the radio each Tuesday (and sometimes more!) is always a joy. I’ve always admired your ability to cut through the nonsense and just say what’s going on. You are beautiful through and through, and I know that you can tackle this and any other challenge you may face. Go for it, and have fun. I’ll always be cheering for you.

    PS – Baking/tea/non-food date soon?

70. Jules on 02 May 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Oh my goodness you sound just like me! It’s the litany of .. I know it’s all my fault that I’m miserable and I don’t want to complain because other people have things worse than I do….oh yea. I get it.

    Oh and both my kids are gluten free and I gained 10 lbs cooking for them after everyone said I’d lose weight. GF certainly doesn’t mean low cal. I love my own cooking.

    Joined Weight Watchers and am slowly getting a grip. I get you.

71. Carolyn on 02 May 2011 at 5:56 pm #

    Julie – thank you for sharing this. You brighten my day every time I read this blog or your posts at the Family Kitchen. I don’t go to bed at night without checking your blogs. Just like Karen the phrase “it’s a Julie recipe” is completely understood in my house. In so many ways you feel like a part of my family.
    I’ve made getting to the Gym a priority in my life — 5 days a week, if at all possible. It’s now a habit. Initially I felt guilty about taking that time (and used that as an excuse for not going). I now realize that I am a better mother, spouse, daughter and employee because I take that time for me and I always feel better after I work out. Stick with it… we’re here for you, and you’re loved.

72. AJSMom on 02 May 2011 at 7:03 pm #

    I check your blog everyday. Like alot of others I understand what you are feeling. I have met you, and you inspire me to make cooking more fun and adventurous. Remember during the hard struggles(like minute 22 on the &%#$ elliptical) that YOU INSPIRE PEOPLE DAILY. Be easy on yourself, and accept that this battle/struggle isn’t won in a day. I took a health basics class for 8 weeks and one thing I learned was to a)schedule my exercise into my week like all the other important stuff going on and b) choose 2 challenges a week -this week for me it’s getting vegetables on mine and my families plate everyday, and limiting caloric drinks.
    In this class we also started each week by identifying a success we’d had in the week-it’s so easy to see where we’ve failed, but not so much the success.
    It will happen, don’t give up!! Take Care

73. Sue (London, ON) on 02 May 2011 at 7:05 pm #

    You’re very brave Julie. You’ve put into words what so many of us are thinking & feeling. I so know that feeling of dreading summer, having to wear shorts and bathing suits. That was me then and still to some degree now.I started following you when I saw you on Vicky Gabereau so many years ago and I for one love your recipes but read your blog everyday for your whit and charm and humour. I feel like we’re friends, even though we really only met the one time. Hopefully some positive feedback here and your own motivation will motivate you. I think having the eliptical in your house is brilliant. Getting to the gym is SO HARD at the best of times but when it takes time away from your family, even worse. Good luck on your journey. Thank you for sharing. As always, you are an inspiration. Also, everyone that knows me always asks when eating my baked goods “Is this a Julie recipe”? So you reach people beyond your readers and all those that know you personally!

74. Laurie in Calgary on 02 May 2011 at 7:05 pm #

    Hi Julie. I, too, follow you here, on twitter/facebook, and CBC. I have never met you in person, although there are people in my personal circle that do know you and always speak very highly of you (not to mention the fact that I love your blog and love listening to your happy voice on the radio). So much of what you said is my life. Honestly. The struggles, the guilt, the stuff, the timing (the last few months I’ve been so sluggish!), everything. In the mornings I find myself compulsively weighing myself and HOPING for that extra few pounds to just disappear. I was doing so well before Christmas (even enjoying the feeling of being hungry) and I’ve realized that I’ve gained back the last bit that made such a difference to me. I work in the food biz, too, and am surrounded by rich yumminess every time I go to work. On my bad/guilty/struggly days it is really hard to avoid the temptation and a lot of times I give in to it. I hope that you are seeing how many of us are out there that are dealing with similar issues. I’m so glad that you decided to post this public declaration. It’s getting us to speak to one another about how our lives truly are and not the ‘picture perfect’ facade that can be put out there to feel ‘normal’. I’m having more and more conversations like this with women that I know and I am enjoying the honesty, warmth and love that results. The older I get, the more wonderful my friends seem to get.

    Thanks so much for everything that you do. My family enjoys your recipes and ideas so much. You are my ‘go-to’ website everytime I’m in a panic to plan meals for the week. Especially the healthy ones. I have passed your website address around to everyone I know and we all talk about ‘Julie’ like we know you (in the most uncreepy way possible, I promise!!) – ‘Have you tried Julie’s Chicken Thais? Amazing! And Easy!”. You always seem like the girlfriend I haven’t met yet.

    Big hugs to you. Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure you’ll get where you want/need to be. And you’ll have a huge cheering section screaming for you the whole way through.

75. Natalie (ga) on 02 May 2011 at 7:18 pm #

    You are amazing. I so appreciate who you are and what you stand for…. Praying for you! You can do it!!

76. Wendy on 02 May 2011 at 7:26 pm #

    Oh Julie, I have tears in my eyes now. Just want (and I can see I am not at all alone here)to make it better somehow, to hug it away, to show you the lovely mental picture that I have of you. It is so much fun to listen to you on the radio and I enjoy your writing, too. You make me smile – wish I could do the same for you.
    So, I have a thought. How about turning this into an opportunity instead of a disaster. I was just wishing for myself earlier today that there was a book about food that was healthful and flavorful. Not so much a diet book, but one about easy to find, easy make, super flavorful healthy food. I have been thinking for a while now that perhaps the reason most diets and diet books aren’t that useful is because the focus is on what we don’t want (to be overweight) and not so much on what we do want (to be healthy and eat food that tastes great). Just something for you to consider.
    Anyway, be gentle with yourself. You are a very special person!

77. Laurie from Burnaby on 02 May 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    Julie,
    I’m just out of the hospital, having had a significant amount of my lower abdomen removed. I’m down to 96Kilos now, and I don’t recommend this way of losing it. I can’t digest starch, and it’s created a lot of problems for me through the years. I was at 300lb when the doctor finally discovered that I’m missing an enzyme that breaks starch down. I stopped eating potatoes, grains, and corn, and my health improved immediately. I eat lentils and beans and seaweed, which provides everything and doesn’t gum up the works the way starch did. I can relate to the way you feel. Sitting here, in pain from the stitches, I’d give anything to be as young as you with it all still ahead of you. You give us hope and you provide recipes that we can apply and enjoy. Pick yourself up and carry on, because you are valued.

78. Marilyn on 02 May 2011 at 7:59 pm #

    Well, Julie, looks like I can’t add anything to your cheering section. But I just wanted to tell you how you’ve inspired me to quit the excuses and get serious about getting my body into a healthier state.

    I”ve got a head start on you this time because I got going in early February but my mantras all came from you. So, to refresh your mind, here is what you taught me.

    1. Enjoy your food, just watch the portion size.
    2. Eat fruits, veggies, and whole grains daily.
    3. Treats are OK (but probably not everyday) as long as they come from One Smart Cookie or Grazing.
    4. Diets are not just for losing weight, but a permanent new way of eating so find one that will work for you for the rest of your life.
    5. Exercise to feel better, but not to lose weight.
    6. Take it slow and steady– the extra weight didn’t appear overnight and will probably take about the same amount of time to disappear. As long as the number on the scale is decreasing, you are doing OK.

    You know this stuff because you taught it to me and, Julie, it does work. So read over all the nice things that people are saying about you, put that gorgeous smile back on your face, and then get back to being an inspiration to all of us.

79. jen on 02 May 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    That is so brave of you to post your thoughts and feelings on this very personal matter. I really think regardless of your size, everyone struggles with feelings of insecurity about their weight and image.

    You are such an inspiration to me (and a big reason I started my blog in the first place). I always look forward to hearing your segment every Tuesday mornings for your enthusiasm and passion for creativity in the kitchen.

    Just take it one day at a time and focus on the small victories rather than on the negative. And please don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself, sometimes we need to be selfish like that for our own well being and happiness and in the end, I think it benefits everyone.

    Best of luck and know that there is a whole community out here that supports you and admire you regardless of what size you are.

80. Barbara on 02 May 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    Julie, I’ve been worried about you over the past year. I’m just another reader and don’t know you personally. I read your writing every day and have been concerned that you are doing too much, are too busy. Can you drop a few things and slow down a bit? Like everyone else posting here I think you are fabulous, you add so much to my life with what you write. Please stop to smell the roses and take care of yourself.

81. Colleen on 02 May 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    I’m not here just for the food – although the coffee pot de creme went over big at easter. I live in Calgary and I see you on TV and listen to you on the radio. I enjoy your musings on whatever the topic. You often say exactly what I am feeling and can’t put into words. Keep up the good work.

82. Tannis on 02 May 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    It is sad that so many of us belong to this sisterhood of the weight-food-body “dance”. I hope you find hope and strength in the fact that we all understand you, relate to you and connect with you. We would never think of others and say to others anything as harsh or critical as we say to and about ourselves. When you read the words of so many of us who think you are awesome, strong, inspiring, brave, brilliant and a rock star, I hope you hold fast to these words and try to see what we see, and know what we know about you. This many women cannot possibly be wrong! The website http://www.operationbeautiful.com has become my daily wake up call to try to stop chipping away at myself. I love what it represents and the encouragement it provides to shift the way we see and think about ourselves. “The mirror does not define you.” “Beauty is in the heart, not on the skin.”

83. Melanie on 02 May 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    I don’t have any words that could top what has been expressed here already. You are “JULIE!!!” – and so many of us couldn’t imagine life with out you – exactly how you are – facing life’s up and downs just like the rest of us…
    I was so sad I was in labour the one day of the cookbook club meeting. I so badly wanted to meet you… (okay – I was slightly excited about the new baby but it was my third…)
    We love you.
    M.

84. CC on 02 May 2011 at 9:34 pm #

    Ditto to many of the previous comments. You are one brave woman!

    I need to tell you that I am not a good cook and whenever I try recipes from cookbooks or magazines they never turn out well. Guess what? Every single thing I’ve made from your website has been delicious. Every single thing. I love how you give descriptions as well as recipes and your casual yet passionate take on cooking makes it seem like I can really make what you do! You have a knack for making me believe that “It’s Just Food” so THANK YOU!

85. Avery on 02 May 2011 at 10:23 pm #

    Wish I could add something profound here, but really just wanted to say you’re one of the reasons we never want to move; not because you’re a celebrity, not because of the awesome house parties you “throw together” (it doesn’t hurt, mind you), but because it’s the first time we’ve ever had a neighbor that truly cared about her neighbors and neighborhood. You’ve directly helped my family through your blog, which you didn’t have to do (I think you even got hate mail for it!), and I’ll always be grateful. So really, you have everyone’s support to do whatever you feel you need to do, but definitely do it for you because we all know you do enough for everyone else!!

86. Lisa on 02 May 2011 at 11:09 pm #

    Julie, we’ve never met, but I follow your blog, and twitter, and Swerve writing, and CBC gigs… (no, I’m not a stalker, I just like good food and entertaining writing!)

    You really are an amazing food writer/broadcaster, and juggle an unbelievable amount of activity. I’m really touched by your struggle, and am adding my voice to your support network. We all have “stuff” that adds up to life, and taking control of some of that “stuff” can be a really powerful, scary, monumental thing, and I’m cheering you on from cyberspace!

    Sending virtual hugs your way!

    Lisa

87. rose on 02 May 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    Hi Julie

    Thanks for this wonderful blog. I check daily! Lots of advice to slow down a bit but I think we can do what we put our minds to do and you’re very good at getting LOTS done!! Since deciding to do less and clear out my schedule, I find I get less and less accomplished and feel I can’t take anything on now!!! Acckkk! So don’t drop too much! (unless it’s weight) Kidding!!! Honestly, the ‘lumpy’ picture you showed at the beginning today doesn’t look bad at all. It made me wonder where your weight gain went! Anyway, I feel like another writer who said you’re like the friend I haven’t met yet. You’re wonderful.

    Rose

88. Erica B. on 02 May 2011 at 11:51 pm #

    “Sharon on 02 May 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    Get rid of the blog.

    And best wishes, sincerely.”
    __________________________________________________

    Ah so blogging is to blame for lovehandles? Damn, here I thought it was calories.

89. Cathy N in Inglewood Calgary on 03 May 2011 at 12:00 am #

    Julie, you have been my inspiration since I first heard your beautiful voice… do you know that when you speak your voice smiles and that makes anyone listening to you feel good. You must know how you have touched so many people… yes, you are a friend I haven’t met yet… Thank you for giving so much of yourself all the time… I treasure my special hand painted wine glass (from ‘free stuff’)that you, on top of all that you were busy with, found time to deliver to my porch late one winter night. And thank you for sharing yet another part of you with us despite how hard it must have been to write. xoxo

90. Reith on 03 May 2011 at 12:32 am #

    Hey Jules,

    Just wanted to chime in with another ‘I love you.’ You are honest, good, fearless and very funny. And you’re also a shit-hot writer.

    For what it’s worth, I just started bootcamp a little while ago, and I’m finding that my headspace is a thousand times better not because I look that different but because, for a few hours every week, I’m the most important thing I need to take care of. It’s amazing the difference a shift in perspective makes.

    I wish I could just come over and give you a hug. xo

91. Kelly on 03 May 2011 at 3:36 am #

    You are one of the most beautiful women I know (I don’t actually REALLY know you, but I feel like I have at least a glimpse of who you are from your wonderful writing.) You are an amazing cook and mom and woman. And truly beautiful. Keep your head held high

92. Annie O on 03 May 2011 at 4:56 am #

    You know what, I don’t know you but I think you are awesome. You are suffering from what so many of us ladies in North America suffer from, body distortion. I won’t get on my soapbox about the mixed and damaging messages the media sends (that is a whole blog site in itself) so I will say that I feel your pain. I understand what you are going through and being a mom adds new layers to it all as well. I also think the lack of sunlight compounds the issues.
    I have been feeling exactly the same way as you, so reading your post today really made me feel that it isn’t only me who gets into ruts. An that is what this is, a rut. So thank you for that. Your blog is a favorite of mine and you are so clever and creative and smart and you should celebrate that. Tina Fey wrote a great bit in her book Bossypants about weight. She has a great perspective on it, check it out.
    Keep on keepin’ on.

93. Lorraine on 03 May 2011 at 6:04 am #

    Julie, Julie, Julie…. what can I say that others have not already said many times over? I too have “Julie” recipes and you know that my DH is in love with you as well. You truly are an inspiration to me and have become a very important part of my life. I check your blog daily and keep up with you on Twitter. Because of you, I too have purchased a share from Eagle Creek, and my DH looks forward to the “Julie” recipe of the day.

    I too have struggled with my weight, all my life. What I have come to realize is that as we age, our bodies do change. What worked when I was in my 20′s, 30′s and 40′s isn’t working now. As I slowly creep towards my 6th decade, (I can’t believe I just wrote that!), I have found that the only exercise that works is something you enjoy and can do consistently. Walking would do the trick especially in the great weather we have now. You can even take W and Lou with you! Also, try some weight training. We lose our muscle mass as we age, muscle mass increases our metabolism even if we are not moving! Apparently 3 20 minutes sessions a weeks, combined with cardio (maybe walking?) would be more doable. Its what I am trying now, I will keep you posted on how that it works for me.

    BIG BIG HUGS to you!

94. susie on 03 May 2011 at 6:16 am #

    Geez, why are we all so hard on ourselves? I could have written this post. My winter sucked…and there is no way I have the courage to put it out there. I am so jealous of your Canadian audience, Hang in there…you have a lot of cheerleaders out here who love you…for your talent, not your jean size…

95. shira on 03 May 2011 at 7:43 am #

    Well others have said pretty much what I wanted to say, so I’ll just say this: I definitely appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share with us. It would almost be weird to have a food blog that doesn’t address the blogger’s personal and/or emotional relationship to food, wouldn’t it? That is such a big part of cooking and eating!

    I like your photos and recipes, but mostly I read your blog every day because it’s funny, and it’s funny because you tell the unaltered, unsentimental truth.

96. Jenn on 03 May 2011 at 7:56 am #

    Because of you, I made steel cut oatmeal, small batches of jam in a skillet and the best scones EVER. Because of you, I have a fast, delicious chicken recipe that both my husband and 1 year old dauther love. Because of you, I tried to make my own mayonnaise. I failed, but I’ll try again, because you have taught me that making food with your own ingedients, is fast, easy and delicious, as well as healthy.

    I think reading your blog has made me a better person (at least one I like better). It has helped me to start a healthier relationship with food (though I’m not there yet either!) I hope writing this blog and the support you get from this community helps you to become a person that you like better.

97. Laura on 03 May 2011 at 8:32 am #

    Hi Julie,
    Just remember to be kind to yourself,with your innerthoughts,not that I know you,but I’ have seen you on t.v. and love your website.I’m pertty sure you would not talk about anyone else the way you do about yourself,trust me I do it to.I am going to make a point of remembering when my thoughts turn negitive “I would’nt talk about some one else like this,I won’t do it to myself” I hope you feel better. You are an amazing young lady.Laura.

98. melissa on 03 May 2011 at 8:38 am #

    I have been a daily reader of your blog for the past two years and have enjoyed many amazing recipes. Your voice and your most essential self come shinning through your blog loud and clear. I am inspired and amazed by you on a weekly basis and thank you for your candor, wit and kitchen wisdom. I eagerly clicked to hear more of your story and am cheering you along from the cyberspace sidelines. You are an amazing lady.

99. Kay Taylor on 03 May 2011 at 8:57 am #

    Thank you, for this and for your amazing blog. I read you daily and enjoy it so much. I have fought the same fight, seemingly forever. All my life I’ve thought I was fat, but then when I look at old pictures, I think “Well, I didn’t look bad.” I’m never as fat as I think I am! It may be better for your health (maybe) to be thinner. But you are a beautiful woman no matter what you weigh!

100. Andrea on 03 May 2011 at 9:12 am #

     Julie,
     You are beautiful with an extra fifty pounds or not, though i do understand how its hard to see in yourself sometimes. When your voice comes on the radio i often turn it up – you exude a joy that i always find contagious on days when i need a boost (you have the best voice on radio, hands-down)!
     So, i’ve been following you for years, and have a slight girl crush going on, and thought it was finally time to say thank you – for making cooking fun for the first time ever, for helping my family to eat healthier, for brightening my day with your infectious voice, and for inspiring me to make change in my community.
     All the best Julie, you’ve done it before so know that you can do it again – and be sure to give yourself a break once in awhile!
     Hope you can feel the love from all of us coming your way.

101. Jennifer on 03 May 2011 at 9:14 am #

     It’s refreshing to see support from so many people who feel EXACTLY like you, those who can relate (myself included). I wish I had friends like all of you here.

     Julie… three words for you, my dear:

     You.
     Are.
     Beautiful.

102. JulieVR on 03 May 2011 at 9:24 am #

     You guys! My gosh. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you all. I didn’t expect this! Reading your comments is like opening a box of chocolates, unwrapping each one and savouring it. Really.

103. Chrisanthi on 03 May 2011 at 9:56 am #

     You go girl!

104. Chrisanthi from Greece on 03 May 2011 at 9:59 am #

     By the way, any ideas how to ween oneself off sugar?

105. Lori on 03 May 2011 at 10:08 am #

     Dear Julie,
     I love reading your blog. I check it everyday. You make me smile. Thank you for doing it. It’s very generous of you to share your unique perspective and your life. Someone told me that our lives are a reflection of our thoughts. That what you give your attention to is what grows in your life. I’ve noticed that when I gently turn my self talk away from the negative or what I don’t want in my life, to the positive or what I am enjoying about my life, that I am happier.
     Hope that doesn’t sound preachy…
     xo Lori

106. Kat on 03 May 2011 at 10:25 am #

     Hi Julie –
     I read your blog EVERY DAY and have never commented before now. I really appreciate your openness – it can’t have been easy to lay it all out there! I can relate to your struggle and all I can say is chin up, you can do it, and in writing about it like this you are inspiring others to do the same.
     Lots of love and big big hugs!

107. Robyn in Mountain (Ontario that is) on 03 May 2011 at 10:56 am #

     Everyone has already said it, Julie, you rock! Some of us get lumpy and some of us don’t, that’s just the way it is.
     Signed,
     Lumpy in Mountain

108. Amanda on 03 May 2011 at 10:58 am #

     Julie

     In a early morning slump (combined with a dreadfully long winter) you momentarily forgot how fabulous you are, and what an inspiration you are to tons of people. I work in a similar field and find when I am not at my best I take it harder than most because people look to me as a role model. I recently finished the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin- I think it might help to reframe your approach! She is a mom, a blogger, a writer…and just looking to have more fulfillment in an already fabulous life. Just like you!

     all the best,
     Amanda

109. jude on 03 May 2011 at 11:16 am #

     Julie

     You are very hard on yourself as are many who struggle to keep our weight down near normal, but you are not a person smaller than most. You have the stature and joy of food in so many ways and as you evolve once again through the struggle remember the gifts given because of your love and knowledge of the wonderment of FOOD in all its glory. You accomplished something wonderful in losing so much and YOU will find your place of balance. WELL DONE and good luck!

110. sarah on 03 May 2011 at 11:59 am #

     So here’s the thing, I am little worried about you, I scanned the comments quickly and no one else has seemed to called you on it so at the risk of being an ass or ms obvious I still feel I have to say something here. YOU WORK TOO MUCH!!! Of course you gotta pay the mortgage and put food on the table, and even if you love love love your work and your work is YOU, it isn’t all of you. Please ask for help to downsize your obligations in future so you can work out, spend time with your boy, have a date with your hubby and maybe even a sleep in without feeling guilty. I love reading about you life, but I wish you happiness. If this means I have less to read and you have more time for your self I’m good with that. PS even though your sweat photo isn’t terribly flattering all the other images I have seen of you, you seem to shine, just so you know.

111. Kristin on 03 May 2011 at 1:04 pm #

     Food is nurishing. Especially when made with love and made to share. But if we aren’t conscious, food can be destructive to our physical, mental and emotional well-being. I’m happy that you are seeking good health with good food. You an inspiration for living the best quality of life as possible!

112. Gillian on 03 May 2011 at 1:29 pm #

     just sending love and all good things your way.

113. Krista on 03 May 2011 at 2:08 pm #

     Julie, I just got a finger cramp scrolling through the comments above! It will take you a year to read all of them but when you do, I hope you savour every one. Thank you for your brave post. Yet another example of why so many people feel like they “know” you.

     The only thing I noticed about the pictures you posted was what a beautiful smile you have! Good luck finding it…

114. rea on 03 May 2011 at 2:36 pm #

     stay calm, carry on.

     there’s a new study out there that suggests people who don’t sleep enough, have difficulty losing weight. i think there is definitely something to this study. so, maybe slowing down a bit would help you with regards to weight loss.

     as one big chick to another, i hear what you’re saying. as for taking time away from W., think of the time you’re creating by living a longer. healthier life.

115. Janna on 03 May 2011 at 3:31 pm #

     Don’t wear sloppy t-shirts; wear bright coloured figure slimming tops (you look beautiful in coral or turquoise!)and WalMart have great looks for less. You could still wear sweats if you want but because you don’t have a big fat butt (like I do) you could wear yoga pants and I’ll bet you wouldn’t even see the lumps and bumps.

     You are truly beautiful and a great blogger. Hopefully you don’t give us up and maybe cut back on the travelling to food events. Keep the money paying job so you can buy trendy clothes. Try to get by this sad time, it really does get better!

116. Janna on 03 May 2011 at 4:02 pm #

     I meant to type figure skimming tops – sorry!

117. Donna on 03 May 2011 at 4:14 pm #

     “I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

     Erma Bombeck

118. glenda on 03 May 2011 at 4:43 pm #

     “What I seem to be blind to is the sliding scale of lumpiness.”
     Julie, I totally understand that statement. I say that I am not very body aware – I just don’t pay that much attention! and then I am surprised by the accumulated weight later. And I am not sure how to change that.
     Also, can you explain the benefits of the Mediterranean diet? I just spent a couple of weeks in Israel, ate pretty much whatever I wanted from the wonderful hotel buffets….and lost three pounds?!? (yes, we did do touring and walking, but not more than my usual visits to the gymn here at home!!) I think I need a good course in Israeli salads!
     Julie thank you for your eloquence, your openess and your honesty. You give voice to many of us.
     And I will keep on reading after the jump!

119. Barbara on 03 May 2011 at 7:25 pm #

     Dear Julie,
     I’ve been visiting your blog for a few years and it saddens me to know that you are feeling badly as you have no idea how many lives you touch in the most amazing way!
     I really did just happen upon your site one summer afternoon. I had just barely survived a life threatening medical issue that left me with less than half a pancreas. I knew the pancreas was essential to insulin production, but I was not aware of the important role it plays in digestion. Treatment for my condition meant completely shutting down my digestive track. That meant no food or drink, not even a sip of water for weeks! My recovery was tentative and slow and I left the hospital barely a shadow of my former self. I was glad to be alive, but I was afraid to eat for fear that it would stress what was left of my pancreas and set the whole process in motion again.
     I worked with a nutritionist to learn how to eat with the health of my pancreas in mind. Low fat and easily digestible meals was the plan. I thought my life was going to be little more than chicken broth and a few saltines.
     Finding your blog changed everything! I read with interest the meals you prepared and began to scroll through every page. Your recipes and family stories have become a regular part of my day. Julie, you have played a major role in my regaining my physical health and I want to say thank you! Please see yourself the way so many of us see you – a vibrant and beautiful addition to our lives. )

120. Emmy on 04 May 2011 at 4:14 am #

     Thanks for being so brave in sharing your insecurities and struggles with the world! We’ve never even met, yet I found my skinny self recently wishing that I had your instincts about food, and here you are wishing you weighed less. The irony! I think you look fabulous, but since you don’t feel fabulous I encourage you to keep up the good fight. I, on the other hand, will work harder at feeding my family well. Good luck!

121. Elaine on 04 May 2011 at 8:36 am #

     Julie, I love your blog and read it almost everyday. We’ve never met but you truly seem like a beautiful and amazing person, inside and out. I hope you’re not too hard on yourself – you’ve made such a difference in so many people’s lives.

122. Cheryl on 04 May 2011 at 9:15 am #

     I love reading your blog and have recommended it to my friends who are trying to lose weight for the great healthy recipes. Your openness and great insights have brightened my mornings as this blog is the first place I go to each morning with my green tea. You have my dream job btw. Thanks for sharing, I love your creativity.

123. Megan on 04 May 2011 at 9:47 am #

     Julie,
     We as women are so very hard on ourselves to look a certain way when the reality is we can’t all be a size 4! Some of us are going to be tall and some of us will be shorter, some heavier some lighter. Bottom line is you are NOT alone. We all struggle with something that much I know and there are no “right” answers or quick fixes.

     So please don’t feel down or be too hard on yourself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll see this too shall pass! Wishing you all the best and sending big hugs your way!

     mj

124. Manon from Ontario on 04 May 2011 at 9:49 am #

     I LOVE YOU JULIE!
     That took guts my dear, I really admire that.
     Here I am 220 and trying desperately to get under 200…you know just 199 for now, so 21 pounds, and I’m struggling….crap!

     I’m here with you girlfriend, all the way

     By the way I’m only 5’4″, and you being 6′ at around my weight, it’s like the same thing.

     Your friend in crime on staying on track!

     Thanks for who you are Julie, you make a difference in my life, I make lots of your recipes

     Manon
     xo

125. Jan @ Family Bites on 04 May 2011 at 11:18 am #

     You’re so brave to put it all out there and I really admire you.

     When we had lunch last fall my first thought was “she’s so pretty in person”. Obviously, the beauty definitely goes beyond skin deep. Keep us updated on your progress and please do share any tips you have or discover.

126. Amy | She Wears Many Hats on 04 May 2011 at 1:04 pm #

     Kudos sistah! I’m right there with ya. So brave of you to put it all down. It’s quite the roller coaster for me. And I don’t care for roller coasters. Not at all. Anyway, just know you’re not alone in your struggles and dread of summer. What should be such an enjoyable time of laid back schedules, vacations, etc turns into just plain angst and worry.

     Would love to encourage one another! Let me know if you have any ideas. ; )

127. Heather on 04 May 2011 at 2:21 pm #

     Julie – your post was so touching! I don’t think you actually realize how very important and special you are to everyone! You have so much positive energy and it is great that you are able to share your struggles with us. You are always so busy and something of a superhero in my eyes. Volunteering so much time to so many different things I’ve always wondered how you keep up.
     Reading that you have the same struggles and insecurities that many of us do gives me encouragement. I too feel like over the last couple of years the pounds seem to have slipped by and by until you end up in a spot that I never thought i’d let myself get to. It is very overwhelming. All we can do is take one day at a time and be inspired by people and blogs like yours.
     I look forward to a new post or tweet from you every day. Please know that you have the support and care of so many people!!

128. Mary @ Mary's Nest on 04 May 2011 at 4:18 pm #

     Your post really touched my heart. I wish I could reach out and hug you…but since I can’t the next best thing is to share a book with you that changed my life. It’s An Unburdened Life: Getting Over Weight and On with My Life by Richard Morris. Please read this book.

     Love and God Bless,

     Mary

129. Corwin on 04 May 2011 at 8:12 pm #

     Dear Julie, don’t know if anyone else mentioned this, but given the tremendous response here in the comments and your wonderful cooking and writing skills, how about a book project on this…like a combo weight loss diary/cookbook…you could interview experts, try different approaches and write about your experiences (could see it as a TV series or movie). If you do pursue this, please stop doing something else to make room in your life. Hang in girl, you bring alot of happiness to people.

130. SitkaSpruce on 05 May 2011 at 12:46 am #

     Julie, you have given me and my family so much joy in the last year, just by bonding over good home-cooked food – I made freezer jam with my mom and your amazing cinnamon buns with my dad, etc. You are loved by many (see above!), especially in the times when you don’t feel in love with yourself. Believe it.

     I am in the same cycle of eat, exercise, weigh, cry, give up, repeat. I can’t say that I’ve learned anything earth shattering (other than I need to take lots of vitamin d & get proper sleep – crucial) other than I need to give myself a break every once and a while.

131. Lesli C-Kellow on 05 May 2011 at 6:30 am #

     Julie, I’ve always admired you. I interviewed you for an article about Christmas baking about 3 or 4 years ago for the Calgary Herald. Before you got busy, busy! You were so gracious and open. That’s what people love about you. That part of you is will never change…we’re close in age and I have to let you know that I have pondered the quality of my health more this year then ever! (You’re not alone!)

132. Julianne (Kitchen Ninja) on 05 May 2011 at 9:27 am #

     Thank you for your honesty, Julie — you rock!! You are so right, too; we all have stuff, all the time, and yet we somehow think other people probably don’t have stuff.

     Just do the best you can every day and know that SO many of us out here admire you and support you.

     Hang in there!!

133. Melissa W on 05 May 2011 at 4:03 pm #

     Hi Julie!
     I’ll let my first comment on your blog be this:
     Julie is awesome.
     Everyone who reads your blog agrees with me, I’m sure…and we can’t all be wrong!
     Easier said than done…but I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. It cannot be easy being in the public eye, feeling scrutinized, when you are not comfortable with yourself.

     I’m sure my husband thinks I’ve actually met you, given the amount I talk about you at home…”Julie said this…Julie’s recipe said that…”
     My copy of “Grazing” is dog-eared.

     You have many friends and admirers…count me amongst the admirers and devotees.

     Hugs upon hugs!

134. Kate on 05 May 2011 at 5:48 pm #

     Dear Julie..

     I like Melissa’s comments above.. I’m sure my husband thinks I know you too.. . I often say – I wonder what Julie would do with these leftovers… which is really funny, because we have never met.

     I find you to be an inspiration and a always joy to read.. often when I’m having a bad moment at work, I go to check out your blog… makes me smile…

     Please don’t be so hard on yourself – easier said than done – I know. I too am almost 6′ and although I am much heavier that I ever was, and much heavier than you – by the way – I’m working on being gentle with myself, getting out there and walking the dog, choosing better things to eat.. Its a daily battle, we all know that.. and all good things come back around again… I believe that! (even chocolate)

     So, count me amongst the admirers and devotees too..

135. Tagyn on 05 May 2011 at 8:17 pm #

     Hey Julie,
     It is tough to read what a hard time you are having right now. I wanted to share a blog that I read that you might enjoy, Cathy Zielske is a scrapbooker who started a Move More Eat Less movement on her blog and you can read what has happended to her over the past 16 months, the highs and the lows. Cathy is very funny (just like you) and she speaks from the heart! Just google her name and click on her blog and on May 2nd she has a link to the whole story…
     Good luck, we all know you can do what you need to do to be happy

136. Natasha on 05 May 2011 at 10:15 pm #

     Aww Julie, I’ve been a fan of yours for years and was SO star struck when I introduced myself to you at the PetroCan food drive a few years ago.
     Just want you to know everyone has their own secret struggles. Like you say, that’s life. I’m rooting for you!!!
     PS I hear you about feeling empty while getting used to going gluten free. It doesn’t last. Now when I eat wheat I feel like I have a stone in my stomach. Hang in there!

137. Pat on 06 May 2011 at 12:07 pm #

     Julie – I haven’t read all the posts but I have read your original post and I have to comment. For the last few years you have taken us on the most amazing food “ride” – from soup to nuts you covered it all. And I loved every minute. Now, I think you should put all your energy and intention behind taking us on a low cal, low carb “ride” – we’ll all be happy to ride along with you. I know you can put your positive energy behind that intention and make it fun for us all. We won’t feel deprived. We’ll feel happy and content to be eating healthy and feeling healthy. That’s a great feeling! It’s hard to do but it can be done, no matter what our work and home lives throw at us. And its not about giving up our love of food – its about refocusing on to certain types and amounts of food. If anyone can do this, you are the one who can – for yourself, your family and to be leader for all of us!

138. Debra on 09 May 2011 at 4:04 pm #

     Hi Julie,

     Just so you know…I met you a few years ago @ Cafe Beano where you gave me some sourdough starter. Upon meeting you, I thought, “Wow, she’s as elegant as her voice! And you are!” Look after the outside so the inside keeps healthy, but remember, you are beautiful and elegant!

     PS I missed a class in REd Deer? Shame….and….I killed the started! : (

139. Swankmommy on 09 May 2011 at 9:44 pm #

     Oh, Julie. You are so not alone.

     I have been a larger person my whole adulthood. I danced 5 times a week as a child so I managed to stay fit that way. However, I went on to be an opera singer (I think my barrel chest could put yours to shame). which allowed the weight to creep up and up. It’s always been a struggle for me. Always. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about the weight and what it’s holding me back from. I love food and I love to eat. I can’t imagine life without looking forward to a meal. We celebrate with food in my house, but we also do it for the wrong reasons I’m sure. I sometimes think food is a crutch after going through so many terrible things early in life. The death of my Mom, death of my best friend, a separation and then this year my Grandpa (my Grandparents raised me and he was my father figure without a doubt) died in a very traumatic way. I thought…well, I’m fucked. Now, I’ve had it. I ate myself silly after having a great year last year with losing 25 pounds and being active every day. It’s like someone says, “boo” to me and I find an excuse to indulge or fall of the wagon so to say. Now, I am getting back on track. Slowly but surely. As I heal, I start to want to be active and be healthy. I want to make the effort. I also have to admit after being on the stage and in fashion/make-up it made me somewhat vain. I want to look good and I am frustrated daily with ill fitting clothes. I also practice yoga and it would be nice nice to be strangled by my boobs or tummy. Yikes!

     Anyway, a mutual friend of yours and mine turned me onto your blog. She knows I struggle with weight and wanted me to see your success. This was back when you had two sites. I have to tell you that your honesty and vulnerability makes me even more drawn to your site. I relate better with people who tell it like it is. Who aren’t perfect. Who admit life gets hard or out of control. Come on, that’s life!

     Thanks you for sharing yourself with us. I can’t make promises about your path ahead. Only because I know how hard it is and I have no clue how to find balance myself with food. I know lots of things, but this part I haven’t a fucking clue. All I do know is that you are a very beautiful, talented and a super faboosh lady. Those thing count big time…remember that when you feel lumpy

     Namaste.

140. Swankmommy on 09 May 2011 at 9:47 pm #

     P.S I’m typing in the dark beside a sick child. Please ignore my typos. I nearly died reading that back to myself.

141. rose on 10 May 2011 at 5:19 am #

     Forget skinny. Think mostly about the body weight that will keep you healthy, fit and strong. Come up with your own eating plan that will get you eating healthy and delicious.(Not easy, but possible) Do not be afraid to indulge once in a while. Just watch how much. Blog about your progress. Keep the recipes coming. Love YOU.

142. Deidre on 10 May 2011 at 10:43 pm #

     Julie,
     Thank you so much for sharing this – you are not alone! I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I, too, am obsessed with food and throughout most of my life have been a “fitness freak” to try and enable my eating. It has not worked! In addition to my desk job, I have been a fitness instructor for 25 years (yikes!) and am currently a spin instructor. At 46 I have never been heavier (even when pregnant). I have long been a proponent of “moderation” – but moderation does not work for me (and to be honest, I really liked the idea of moderation ‘cause it means that you can eat the things you like in moderation). But even with moderation and exercising vigorously EVERY DAY for YEARS, I never even come close to what is considered a “healthly” weight.
     With the advent of my children, I went “whole grain” to be healthier (While really hoping that it would help me lose weight – it didn’t). Shortly after my 46 birthday, my doctor (very kindly), read me the riot act. My weight was seriously impacting my health – my blood pressure was dangerously high. In addition to drugs, I needed to lose weight to help deal with it.
     At the same time, I have some seriously lovely, (but fitness freaky) friends who live by the paleo diet and were reading Gary Taubes’ works on weight and weight loss (“Good calorie, bad calorie” and “How we get fat and what to do about it”). I thought, what the hell, and read “How we get fat” – boy, it has changed my life. At that point, I was “dieting” (eating 1200 cals a day and doing my regular vigorous daily workouts) and barely losing any weight (and feeling hungry and deprived all the time).
     Gary Taubes’ basic theory is that the normal laws of thermodynamics – being the conventional wisdom behind weight loss (energy in\ energy out) – are not the complete story on weight matters and that hormones (critically insulin) play a significant role. He theorizes (as he believes that we need more scientific study), that carbohydrates (not fat or a straight counting of calories) are the key for weight loss. This is not a new theory (rather, it is a very old theory)and many others have argued this (Atkins, southbeach, etc). I know, I know, I pooh-poohed those diets too…partly because I wanted to believe in moderation (‘cause I really did not want to NOT be able to eat many of the foods I like to eat and make). But desperate times call for desperate measures; nothing seemed to work for me, and the older I get, the worse my weight problem gets and there simply are not enough hours in the day for me to continue to increase my workouts! Additionally, Gary Taubes’ work really convinced me (as well as depressed me) – so I thought, what the hell.
     While Taubes’ work is not a diet book – it really is a critical look at the conventional wisdom (or lack thereof) behind modern notions of why we gain weight – he does points to lots of resources and outlines what a low carb diet is. So I decided to cut my carbs down to around 20 grams of carbs a day. I thought I would give it a go for 6 weeks – how hard could it be?
     The first week was HARD – with only 20 grams – it meant no milk (and no milk meant no lattes!). I had headaches and felt kind of flu-ish for the first week, but I was determined to try it for at least 6 weeks.
     My diet focuses on protein (eggs, meat, poultry, seafood) and leafy greens and other low carb veggies. I am at week 8; while the weight has not magically fallen off, it is slowly and steadily coming off (between 1 to 2 pounds a week). Even more remarkable is the change in my blood pressure. In the first week my blood pressure was down to 130 over 80 (and is now 120/75!); the last reading before I began the low carb approach was over 160/90 (and that was pretty normal for me over the last few months).
     While initially it was very hard not eating and cooking carbs, it is getting easier not cooking and eating all those whole grains (and sugar!). Cauliflower (mash/rice) has become my go-to replacement for grains/spuds. We are eating more protein (and fat) that ever before and I think because of that I am able to stick to this new way of eating – as I do not feel hungry or deprived. I have even reduced the amount of exercise I do – focusing on shorter moderate workouts and weight training…..and it seems to be working. I feel great! I still am nowhere near “thin” (or even just “fat”), but I feel much better. I don’t feel as “lumpy” and when playing in the park with the kids, I want to run (and it doesn’t feel all wobbly and awful anymore!).
     Adopting this new approach has meant a serious change in the way (and what) I cook, but there are lots of resources out there and as I slowly add in carbs back in my diet to see what my body can take, there will be lots more scope of new things to try (like baking with nut flours and coconut flours!).
     I know I sound like a freak/evangelist, but your story sounds so much like mine (only I am not a successful/professional foodie like you!). Please give “Why we get fat” a read and see what you think (good calories, bad calories is great – but it is a way, way denser read with 100s of footnotes and references to studies; why we get fat is far more condensed and approachable). Or check out Gary’s blog for a taster – http://www.garytaubes.com/blog/. Anyhow, I hope you find an approach that works for you and thank you for being brave and writing about it. I don’t just read your blog for just the recipes – it is about food (and therefore your relationship with it!).
     Thank you again (and really, I am not a nut! Honest! I just haven’t figured out how to talk about this without sounding like one!)

143. Esmeralda on 13 May 2011 at 10:09 am #

     This world makes it impossible for women to see themselves except through the distorted lens of cultural expectations, media, and misogeny. Large women suffer even more, because being petite, thin, small-boned, fragile etc. is equated with being feminine and desireable. JVR, I’ve met you and I know that the mass of your brain and your heart and your spirit would crush a small, thin-boned frame. Your body is doing its job: carrying all you are through a very busy, very intense, very singular life. It hasn’t let you down. Please, don’t let it down now, by judging it, or allowing anybody else to judge it. Accept who you are and love who you are right now, not 50 lbs from now. That body made a home for W and brought him to birth. Honour it for that great acheivement. This is a spiritual journey as much as a physical one, don’t you think? Everybody out there who really loves you won’t love you more or less whether you weigh more or less. Neither should you. Peace, dear girl.

144. Lois on 13 May 2011 at 2:51 pm #

     It’s time for that potluck Julie! You name the date that works for YOU, and leave it to all of your tremendous supporters to figure out the rest. Let’s celebrate life and all its lumps and bumps, and know that any journey (the ups, and especially the downs) is so much better with friends, positive thoughts and of course, good food.

     From the majority of posts above, it sounds like we can all use a break from ourselves – and the winter that went on way too long – to experience some simple joy in well, life! Put me down for a quinoa salad and I’ll see you around the community table.

145. Andrea on 25 May 2011 at 9:25 pm #

     JULIE! Congratulations for being to put this down on paper (erm… electronic paper?) It’s often so hard to be able to relay bits of information we find embarrassing, especially when it comes to our image.

     I met you at a cooking class at Cookbook Company, after years of loving your recipes. I had just had my second baby and was much bigger than I had been in the past, and had been having a hard time prior to coming to class that day. You and I chatted about babies and weight and that awful sensation of HUNGER. I have to tell you that you really changed my outlook on self-image that day. I always think of you when I get down on myself, as you taught me a way of looking at myself and laughing, no matter what, and realizing that happiness comes in laughter, memories, and moments, not dress/pant sizes. You are truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, and that comes from you living well.

     Please try to smile, take a moment for yourself every day (you’ll be a better mom to W for it), and not take the numbers of weight to heart.

     Oh, and that woman should be ashamed of herself. I hope she’s reading this and is mortified at how she made you feel.

     Remember that people’s reactions to others are often a reflection of how they feel about themselves.

146. Ashley on 18 Jun 2011 at 9:32 am #

     You’re amazing for being so open and honest and sharing all of this so publicly. <3

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